[berkeley, apt. 6]

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food coma
went to celebrate james' birthday at mel's diner :: the home of large servings of dairy products and fried meat. Guilty now.

[berkeley, apt. 4]

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bring it on, stupid network
I'd written a post at the mechanical engineering computing facility around 1pm today, only to find that some error occurred with the stupid dinosaur computer and the post was lost. So now i'm at an impasse. Try to recreate what i wrote, without my muse? The result will doubtless pale in comparison to what I'd written earlier this afternoon.

The gist of the first paragraph was that midterm season has just begun--ahh yes, the warm gushy feeling of impending doom. An unstoppable wave of exams worth 15-20% of my grade :: the tidal wave is over by late November, allowing 2-3 weeks before finals. But, as promised, that's enough about school.

Meanwhile
As for my indecision about the future of my blog, i've decided to take the best of both worlds. Post more entries about anything that happens to be on my mind and pepper those posts with meaningful, probing questions and reflections about the direction of my life in this ever changing, ever perplexing world :: mmmmmm, Reactions (as homer simpson would say).

with fervor
So here's an issue i've brought up before and return to it once again...As for the finish line [term and issue first raised in christian's blog (see link in entry below)], i've decided one can't help but have a goal oriented lifestyle. Living life sans direction is just as much a waste of time as measuring one's accomplishments against a universal meter stick >> success = family, house, spouse.

I know it's perhaps purely fictional for me to generalize and say that the majority of people aim for an altogether uninteresting goal. Drone through the office with weekends as the only light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps you enjoy your job--but my ideology (or naivete) is that it's possible to live without turning into a droid -- so lost in mortgage payments, credit card debts, material desires -- leaving only a shadow of what you once were :: dreams and a real potential for realizing them.

I'm sounding really idealistic here, but i've got to keep reminding myself of why i'm going for the finish line that is my college degree. Not because i want a nice car and a big house (as so many of my engineering friends desire), but because i need some sort of an income to travel and experience the world. To gain perspective and live an enriching life, full of diverse experiences -- hoping that this path will be made possible through photography.

"Why the hell not?" << my mantra prevails.

[berkeley]

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meaningful entries
oh so fickle me. I've reached an impasse with the direction of my blog. I've been wanting to change my nightly updates to an infrequent and meaningful, thought provoking entry. But i like the idea of always giving people something new to read--like bern's blog. And so that's why my blog entries have been sporadic. Unfortunately, my indecisiveness has left this past month of entries dry and mostly uninteresting. And that's much worse than anything else.

i refuse to talk very much about school, because it'd be the same thing everyday-- "school is keeping me busy and stressed--i think physics is hard."

yet my struggle to keep abreast of the curriculum leaves the rest of myself uncultivated. No time to read books that can add perspective. No time to go to the daily cal and start freelancing. And then of course the natural reaction to this is that i should just make time. Somehow, stubborn me refuses to let my grades slide for the sake of a more balanced lifestyle.

yet another lapse of indecision.

Then i remember christian's blog entry regarding the finish line. Most of us live life working towards some "grand finish line" (from christian's entry). Each little milestone--the big show, a college degree, a raise, new shoes-- seems to bring us closer to a goal. But at the end of it all isn't much. When can you say you've reached your goal? As soon as i hit this tax bracket, i'm home free...as soon as i've got my own house...as soon as i'm married...But before you know it, you're 83 and you've probably lived an altogether average life. You've done most everything your next door neighbor has done. Success.

Geez how freakin' negative. Yet at the end of it all, i can't bring myself to scrap the idea of working towards the finish line--after this post, i'll be studying for my math midterm. I've convinced myself that if i can just sit through school and get a degree, i can do anything in the world. Go live in europe and be poor, but happy, bartending in italy, dating an italian model named giovanni. Gaining some amazing experience and laughing in a gondolla as the rest of the world works towards the end.

[berkeley]

>>And if I could be who you wanted...All the time<< radiohead's "fake plastic trees"

big show
yesterday was the big show. i'm so tired--yawning. I wasn't going to post an entry, but i figured last night was a memorable milestone that i should put in my blog.

[berkeley]

>>so why'd you have to go and hurt somebody like me, like me?<< limp bizkit's "boiler"

grr
i see the product of people's creativity all over the place. I sit in envy as i view christian's site or herb ritts' work. They're out there producing art and creating. I want to be there.

Rather, i'm using my energy to do math homework. What the hell?! I wanna be out there with my camera. Making the images in my head appear on photo paper.

Anything worth anything takes time and patience. I guess i'm coping with the patience bit right now.

[berkeley]

>>but i wanna know, who's gonna save me?<< krystal harris' "supergirl"

undecided
I attended a memorial service today on campus along with a large number of other students. We sang the national anthem, america the beautiful, and listened to other people sing "yesterday" and "imagine". Cliche, but meaningful nonetheless. Above it all was a sign saying "No war--stop the violence". The most notable thing i got from it was a quote from H.G. Wells>>
"History is the product of an ongoing race between education and ignorance."

So i had a discussion with a friend as we walked away from the service. She held that retaliation was necessary in order to show any other terrorists that our nation will not tolerate destruction on its own soil. Avoiding war and trying to mediate, she said, would not change the ideologies of those that harbor anti-US sentiments.

I don't agree with killing terrorists (and most probably civilians as a result) in order to prove that civilians should not be murdered. Remaining inactive, however, would not discourage terrorists from targeting us or anyone else. I like the peace ideal, but to be honest, attempting to make nice with terrorists won't be very fruitful. And so i remain undecided.

[concord, cali]

>>in the words of a broken heart, it's just emotions taking me over<< destiny's child's rendition of "emotions" (orig. by the BeeGees)

vroom vroom
I'd never gone boating/water skiing/tubing ever before. Sure i've been on a boat--once. That was five years ago in the philippines. It was one of those long single level tourist boats, and i was sitting with about 20 other passengers. Still fun though, but different.

This time around, i was with 4 others--high school folk :: alex, jess, peter and mr. palmer. It was super fun just to ride. I attempted to ski, but i guess hanging onto the line while water came rushing into my facial orifices doesn't really count. I realized 5 painful seconds later that it'd be better if i let go than assume i'd miraculously get my butt up standing and skiing ---without skis. I did eventually figure out how to stand, but then that only lasted a split second. I still had a blast.

Nick's movie premiere will be showing tonight at DVC. I'm looking forward to seeing it--i somehow have this feeling that it's going to be really good.

fuck you, i love me
so lately i've been going through some hate/love myself rollercoasters. *sigh* the evil prerequisites for change and self improvement. I was solid during spring semester and through the middle of the summer. I am joan, hear me roar. I'm oh so very confident and comfortable and proud of me. It was a beautiful time. Somehow, just when i thought i'd figured it all out, i'd teetered over the edge and back onto uneven pavement. This strange insecure feeling doesn't signal failure--at least i don't think it does. I see it as a challenge. I think this chaos is just my way of telling me that i can be better :: and that is exciting stuff.

positively
back in late june, i attended a conference in LA for my internship program. I spent a few days at the LAX marriott attending workshops on leadership and work ethics. There were a few keynote speakers to spice things up, and the most memorable to me was the speech of an ex-raider, "all successful people surround themselves with positive people and a positive attitude. Their minds are uncluttered by negativity. Focus on improving yourself and the world, criticizing everyone else to build yourself up is a waste of time." So i must be honest with myself and say that i have to stop wasting time. There's me to improve, and the clock is ticking.

[apartment 6]

>>I don't want to waste my time
become another casualty of society. << sum 41's "fat lip"

terrorize this
It's way cliche to talk about the huge incident in nyc and DC since everyone's been barraged with news about the tragedy for the past 15 hours. But today will most probably be the most infamous day of my generation. the Boomers had Kennedy's assasination as the day they'd never forget :: well i suppose today is the day our generation will never forget. 10 years from now, everyone will still know where they were and how old they were when it happened. And so, here's my story -- for my own sake when i read my blog a while from now, i'll look at the date above and have this entry to associate with it >>

I was in bed at 7:03am when the phone rang. Mom called asking for poly's number because he lives near the UN building in Manhattan. I turned on my laptop and hit up switchboard.com to search for his information. "turn on the radio, the world trade center's been hit, one of the towers is gone." what the feezy?! I'd just done some research on the world trade center this past weekend for a project in E170. what do you mean it's gone. So i listened to peter jenings narrate the collapse of the south tower on the radio.

The rest of the day was surreal. I went to my cycling class, passing the small group of people hovering in front of the tv at the gym. The reality hasn't set in. I'm sure my attitude would be different if i was in manhattan right now, but as it is, all i can collect are images of decimated manhattan on tv -- just like in the movies.

So now what, i'm supposed to offer some kind of insight on the whole situation. Everybody out there is talking about the aftermath, possible wwIII, fear of another incident, etc. Well hell i don't understand it all. I can't grasp the number of lives lost--there are too many for me to conceptualize, nor the ensuing political melee that's about to or already has dropped--the only thing i can fathom are those two towers. 2 big ass icons of 'american might'--fallen.

This blog entry has yet to be eloquent in its delivery :: apologies i suppose. My thoughts are chaotic; so fitting for such a day.

[apartment 6]

>>tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me<< nickelback's "how you remind me"

motivation where
This morning was good. Step aerobics for the first time in my life with a very entertaining instructor. I don't know why no one else was laughing at phrases like "straddle the damn step...and breathe...and 5 6 7 8...move that ass...you love it!" Even though it was a really frustrating class and I couldn't do the choreography too well since first of all i didn't know what she meant by "reverse basic and pivot and lunge and then go around the world after splitting a T." Riiight, so i was lost, but it was still a fun workout. Everyone sucks in the beginning.

But then the fun ended when i went to the library and started doing math homework. Sigh. I haven't felt like doing much today. I need to get motivated toward something. i guess i miss home.

[apartment 6]

>>Whatever makes you happy,
Whatever you want,
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special...<< radiohead's "creep"

atypical?
This morning i was sitting in front of 343 LeConte waiting for my physics professor to arrive so that we could go inside and start lecture. There was a redhead there amongst the crowd. His ponytail rested on his upper back, interrupting the uniform pattern of his flannel shirt. He was busy explaining quantum mechanics and the particle nature of light to yet another confused soul. He was confident about the content of his words. He walked away twiddling his fingers and talking to himself...i thought people only did that in cartoons...isn't that move reserved for mr. burns? *grin* my existence had just been graced by a stereotypical nerd. not to speak condescendingly, mind you, just, *wow* i didn't know people like that still exist.

on the contrary
Kathy was telling me about Boy (he shall remain anonymous, as his true identity is not of utmost importance in this context). He's an engineer. She says he's "atypical". He doesn't spend all of his time in front of a computer, he's never on AIM..."he's full of surprises," she says.

So what about me? Am i full of surprises? Am i the stereotypical boring engineer? please oh please say it ain't so. I could try and find reasons for why i am not one of those >> photography, skating, dance, can match my clothes--decent amount of fashion sense, etc. << but more importanly, how do people perceive me? Ahh yes, the age old question of our time, what do other people think?

[home]

*disclaimer :: This is a first draft (a venting draft, if you will) of a letter to the suits at AAA. I'll be editing grammar and content later. I wrote this around 1:32am last night, but blogger was down, so i couldn't post it until this morning.

to whom it may concern
In an altogether overwhelmingly complicated world, every situation in life boils down to simple human impulse :: honesty, fear, anger, and joy. Such sensory feelings are driven, amongst others, by God/ an alternate form of such a higher being (or the lack thereof) family, love, and survival. Fight and/or flight. Indeed, doing both is possible. And here I am :: A junior at UC Berkeley, salutatorian of her graduating class, a former intern for Accenture, an aspiring engineer and photographer, and the daughter of mr. and mrs. cuenco :: at the hands of big bad triple-A.

I could begin this new paragraph with "I understand how much of a nuisance this letter must be...", but your next thought would be that I cannot even fathom all of the hellish occurrences that pass through the doors and phone lines of a much famed insurance company. Truths, lies, and combinations of both. I'm sure you've heard it all. You've heard client after client argue for the right of way-- that a "fault-loss" is out of the question. For Godsake, contesting a judgment simply prolongs the process. You too must nurse your own impulses.

And yet beyond all of the chaos of red tape, paperwork and protocol, the Berkeley student still stands. Beneath all of the madness lies the principle. Honesty, fear, anger and joy. Honesty. The light was green.

I was shaking that evening, both because of the cold weather and because of sheer disbelief :: Honesty, fear anger and joy. Fear. My father could have been crippled.

In either case, it's all over now. The Camry is in the shop, but the remnants of my dignity have yet to be repaired. My once impeccable driving record hobbles with my new fangled status of “Poor Driver”. But this is selfish of me.

Indeed, the new insurance rate and my poor record is of concern, but these are the consequences, and I am a responsible person. Paying rent on time is my responsibility. My C+ in Engineering Design is my responsibility. My attempts to skateboard and the subsequent scrapes and bruises are my responsibility. My 3.58 GPA is my responsibility. But if the following words sound all too familiar (especially for a person in your position), I beg you to truly listen to them again for the first time. For all I know, my plea is worthless, but it’s worth everything to my dignity. At the very least, I can say that I’ve demonstrated my unwillingness to accept the judgment. I proceeded with caution. It was green. That was my responsibility.