[home]

asylum
Drowning in a world of uniformity
lost in an ever-numbing forest
of fast paced personae
with no lasting impression
on my character.

And so suddenly
i steal away from the young vortex
they call capital
paying no attention to what taunts and tempts
the (un)suspecting.
she saves me. i remember, amongst others,
what's nearest and dearest
most valuable
seeking refuge in a memory, taking solace in a sensory dream.

[cube 20b]

>>it's been a while since i could stand up on my own two feet again<< staind's "it's been a while"

who's to say
i've pretty much decided that there's no way for me to avoid playing the Man's game even if i'm not interested in what corporate america says or thinks i want. Well, in general, perhaps there are artists or dancers out there that never have to venture into the Arena, but for my dreams of travelling, i doubt there's any way to raise capital without sitting at my cube.

On my way into the office, i passed a woman lighting up a cigarette. She was tired. It was 8:00am. I wonder if she'd had a rough night, or if she'd had a rough number of years serving time in Corporate America. I guess i've been sounding like an eccentric for the past couple of entries, but i'm just frustrated that so many people waste their lives vying for a plastic, manufactured, over-marketed, materialistic and far from fulfilling dream.

[home]

two extremes
it seems when i'm on this piece, im either all about the hope/happiness or bitching about the crazy plastic people that rule this world with their corporate scepters.
i can't really help it. mediocrity is pretty damn boring, and i don't think my fashion entries are really oh so very interesting...they're fucking useless actually. they're food for thought, but nothing really of substance.

hmm substance. depth.

i see her reaching
for an ever elusive hope
she is alone
silence.
triumph.
solitude.

>>so why you wanna try and justify the types of things we do?<< *nsync's "pop"

[home]

you're wearing that?
I'm not finished talking about fashion. Laura says that when she's 40 she wants to regret what she wore when she was young. I say aye to that. You can get away with almost everything that's vulgar, of poor taste, racey, or downright unattractive when you're young. And as far as wardrobe goes, I can wear anything nowadays that i damn well please. I don't usually take advantage of that freedom, but hell why not. Dressing blandly is kind of too safe. I can do that when i'm 40. *ahem* now let's see if i have the guts to put this into play.

Actually, the other time you can look bad or controversial is when you're over 60. It's okay to wear gold fabric and animal patterns with bowling shoes...nobody cares what you wear when you're 60. I guess it's either because they think you're too old to know you don't match or because of apathy.

finish line
i've got about 3.5 weeks til the end of my summer internship. this is neither good nor bad.

>>and there's nowhere in the world i'd rather be.<< selena's "dreaming of you"

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thank/joyful
so this blog begins with a thought that crossed my mind when i saw a girl. She had to have been under five feet tall, her back was very misaligned, her arms swinging slightly above her knees--and i think she was already fully grown|it was clear she had a physical handicap. I'd just come from dance rehearsal, critiquing myself, expecting more, wishing i'd be better. I saw this girl and thought she might have at least once wished to be able to do everything that someone without a disability could do--maybe even dance>>I know this is getting sickeningly cliche, but a lot of those common knowledge bites are truthful and useful.

Anyway, so what am i saying...I should be living life for every moment. Why shouldn't i be learning, sleeping, laughing, dancing, skating, shooting, cherishing. Clearly...i should be working, building my resume, earning a degree<< earning respect. What brings me joy? none of the latter. Ironically, the boring stuff makes the former possible. Live for the sake of living. Not sure how to pull everything off at once, but it's been done>>i think i can i think i can i think i can.

Clueless
Laura and I rented this gem of an Alicia Silverstone film and loved it. I noticed that Cher (alicia's character) didn't just have great fashion sense, but her clothing was timeless. I thought maybe her outfits would be out of style since it'd been a while since i saw the movie, but her clothing was hot because it was its own. Not the hottest "in thing" for that year, just amazing in and of itself. so there lies my goal. i don't want to be on top of all the "now" fashion, i want to find my signature look and be noted for it| i know i'm being superficial now, and maybe i should be above the whole idea of self-image, etc. but i'm not over it and don't care to be for now. Dressing up is fun.

>>and like a fickle flower when it first sees the light, i cannot show just how i feel<< nelly furtado's "legend"

[home diggity]

going to the chapel
Lindsay is getting *gasp* married on saturday. *sigh* She just turned 20 this june.
I was quite shocked when i first learned about the engagement in December, but now that the initial confusion has waned, i've come to accept it. I don't know exactly how to explain how i felt before>> the phrase "but you're so young..." seems to repeat itself in the back of my cortex every time i think about lindsay changing her prefix from ms. to mrs. She's ready to get married (i guess that's a no brainer) but i'm not ready for her to get married. I have trouble saying husband *shudder*.

I haven't decided what i'm going to wear, i'll probably go shop and buy something for the reception. Today, however, I went to Crate & Barrel in the city to buy her wedding present . I like it. It's not on her registry, but i think everyone can use a classy looking ice bucket. I'm going to assume lindsay doesn't read my blog--i think there's about 3 people who do>>Me, myself, and someone who hit the wrong key and stumbled onto this page--so i'm not spoiling the surprise by posting her present on the internet two days before her wedding.

substance>>the lack thereof
okay lately i haven't been full of inspiration to put my thoughts onto this page. i don't think it's really possible to put something up here daily and be passionate about each entry>>for the most part, there're less than mediocre entries and there're the ones that i like re-reading. Perhaps i'll just reduce the frequency of my entries so that more quality pieces go up.

who am i talking to anyway?
The audience i have in mind varies when i post. Sometimes i think of who might be reading and write with him/her specifically in mind. Other times, i write to myself. Though, i guess that's not completely correct>>otherwise, my entries would be more schizophrenic--"You know, Joan, you should have worn the grey pants with that shirt, it brings out your eyes better. Gosh, Joan, you sure do like pistachio nuts."

Where the hell is this blog going?

[cube 20b]

>>Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination
Will thrive upon that kiss
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A Kiss to build a dream on<< louis armstrong's "a kiss to build a dream on"

the origins of fucker
in my book, "Imperial San Francisco", I learned where the word fucker comes from. Here goes:
Way back during the European Industrial Revolution, a banker named Jacob A. Fugger II from Central Germany became very powerful and even lent money to royalty so they could finance mining projects and make more money; mines, of course, meant that slaves had to be employed to dig around doing backbreaking work in order to allow the wealthy few to eat from plates of silver and gold. Thus, Fugger was eventually so hated that his name became "synonymous with monopolists responsible for public woes. In English, the name became "Fucker".

And so it goes, the f-word stems from hatred for the Man.

[1269]

>>Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me. You incite me to chorus<< jill scott's "he loves me"

you paid how much?
I went to jcrew at the sf shopping centre and found a shirt i really liked. As cute as it was, I wasn't willing to pay $28 for it>> especially after having found gap khakis for $19. Anyway, the point is it's just a shirt.

I like clothes, but it's not like i look at myself all the time to admire what i'm wearing>>therefore, we consciously or unconsciously end up dressing up for others. The catch is, though one may feel super special in a new shirt, one seldom catches |other people's attention|>> this brings me to my next point>> Even if i were to buy the shirt and wear it, there's no way it would look as good on me as it does on models. I guess that's what models are for.
grr, i guess that line that gorgeous tv people use: "Don't hate me because i'm beautiful" makes sense in this context.

damn, that was deep. *ahem* it soo was not, but it's another truth...

worthwhile
i'm glad i didn't get the shirt. I was thinking about how i went shopping because i was kind of bored. New things lose their luster very quickly. In the end, you're happy with your shirt, no one notices and you're out $28. And so, just as a nerd should, i'm glad i spent $18 on a new book at amazon.com, Imperial San Francisco by Gray A. Brechin. Rather than spend my money on a futile attempt to get other people's attention, i'll be more knowledgeable about the city, and can sell my book and get most of my money back.

look mom!
my roommate christaline was painting for her art class in our room. While watching her, i was throwing out random sound bites for conversation>> some worth thinking about, and others not so enlightening. I thought of a good one, though...hey chris, do you think art is a selfish endeavor?
she stopped, I continued. When you finish painting, don't you stop and admire your work and think "i'm a kick ass s.o.b."? It's not that that's the only reason you do it, but doesn't it cross your mind? Doesn't narcissism play a role (perhaps large perhaps small) in motivating one to create?

[cube 20b]

>>I bowed to save my head and I can't forget you<< live's "turn my head"

5 6 7 8
Rehearsal was fun on Sunday. I'd been trying to put my finger on why things felt different the whole day. There were a lot of new faces, but that wasn't quite it. I later realized that somehow, over the course of my 2 year sabbatical, i'd graduated from little kiddie status.

and someone tell me why gary's blog says i'm funny as shit...
let's hope it's not because i'm comical when i dance.

"funny thing happened to me the other day..."
The title for this section is only half relevant>>i just thought i'd use that famous line at random.
So here's the blurb: One of the dancers at rehearsal told me they'd read my blog because it was linked from Gary's blog (who also dances with likha). I haven't really talked to this person before and so as soon as i'd heard her say she'd read my blog i kind of panicked<< how do people view me if they don't know me prior to reading my blog? does she think i'm a dorkload? do people know i never use the word dorkload? ...gee, i'm sort of ashamed i even wrote dorkload...[case in point]
it's kind of strange.

[1269]

>>missy be puttin' it down, cuz i'm the hottest 'round<< missy elliott's "get ur freak on"

kaboom!
I went to Pier 39 to watch the $100,000 fireworks display. I haven't been to the pier in days, but it was fun...not much has changed. The place is still peppered with $2 churros, one-time-use SF gear, Krazy Kaps, ice cream, clam chowder and an arcade.

suspense
Laura and I decided we'd wait in line for the bathroom before watching the fireworks. We figured we might as well go now, otherwise we'd probably have to wait til we got back home to go...So it's 8:45pm and the display starts at 9:30pm. The line for the bathroom is super long>> and it should be...what would a public festival be without the long lines with a plethora of social classes and ethnicities all waiting to go to the restroom >> together| awww. In any case, so we're waiting and waiting and we get closer to the front of the line as the time nears showtime. Laura and I finally get in and find that there's only 3 phucking stalls. You know it would make far too much sense to put 10 stalls in a big time public attraction like Pier 39. Little kids are making their parents impatient, while Laura and I stand behind this drunk lady who's talking about pissing on the tree next to us...she was wearing a Stanford shirt>> typical. go bears.

but anyway, waiting for the bathroom and being uncertain as to whether or not we'd make it back to the pier in time for the show made that last 45min. exciting. oooh, suspense.

Both of us got out with 2 minutes to spare and got to see an awesome show>> 20 minutes long. I usually leave the fireworks feeling dissatisfied, but this time the show was so long that I was really content when i walked home.

mass confusion
The walk home was chaos. People just flooded the whole Embarcadero, walking right down the middle of the street. Little kids were running around with sparklers while random sets of firecrackers exploded on the sidewalk. Yay festive.
Still a little crazy though. Those firecrackers were really loud and they'd just explode right next to you. I wonder if that's what it's like to live in Kosovo. Mass confusion, people walking all over the place hooting and screaming, random explosions on the side of the road. yeah, that's sarcasm, but there's a little truth to it.

skateboarding is not a crime
As i walked from pier 1 thru pier 39 i was thinking about how nice it would be to take my brother and his razor and skate down The Embarcadero one day<< on second thought>> There were signs all along the street that would fine anyone $76 if they were skating.
What kind of crap is that? People can be as harmless on a skateboard as they are on rollerblades. Besides, i would think people on blades are more dangerous, since most of the people i saw on in-line skates didn't know how the hell to skate, so they'd be more likely to run into pedestrians than a skater>> who tends to seem more aggressive, but c'mon now, we're not out to get you>> we're just trying to get around too>> we just have more fun doing it.

[cube 20b]

>>There are times when i look above and beyond. There are times when i feel you smile upon me, baby<< janet's "together again"

still thinking>>culture jam
I had time to read while at the conference. Kalle Lasn's "Culture Jam" has a lot of good stuff to say. I have to add, however, that some of his suggestions for revolting against the Capitalist machine are somewhat unrealistic >>a bit too eccentric to be accepted and thus won't forge any change. Hell, I'd say i'm pretty progressive >>unfortunately progressive is synonymous with awareness<< and even I couldn't accept some of the stuff he said we should do. No one's going to up and dump their tv's. Most everyone's oblivious to how much advertising/corporations = money affects the world. The question is, how can we keep them open to the truth without being rejected?

paperchase
Most every intern at the conference this past weekend was out to be somebody >>to be a successful CEO, CFO, COO, etc. There were a few motivational speakers encouraging us all, telling us we could live our dreams. Most of the kids cheered everytime the keynote speaker said "money". How terrible would it be if those future C--O's woke up 20 years from now and realized they were unhappy because they'd sacrificed the acquisition of self for the acquisition of wealth. damn, i'm full of cliches today, but i sincerely mean what i'm saying. I'm out to get everything i can out of this world.

>>enrichment is the ultimate goal...money is just the means.

[cube 20b]

>>we have a special need to feel that we belong. come with me inside my velvet rope<< janet's "velvet rope"

goose down
I had quite the restful weekend at the LAX marriott this weekend. Goose down pillows, comfortable bed. I got a double room to myself, how score is that + balcony? yay.

will write more, need to go be productive.