[1269]

>>it hurts me so much to tell you this today, but you're so beautiful<< nelly furtado's "i'm like a bird"

going down|unplugged too
ahh yes, yet again i'm heading for socal...here comes its second chance to please me. though, i won't be able to really experience it because i'll be attending a series of workshops for inroads>>after these classes i'll be a more efficient worker. more devoted. ethical. I shall not steal a penny from her sponsoring company. thank you inroads! i'm sooo grateful.

*ahem* okay, yes it will be helpful, and i'm just kidding. i'm just very bitter about not being able to decide what i do with my life when i'm not in the office>>it's only fair isn't it? i am sort of looking forward to the trip. there were a couple people i met last saturday at the inroads LDI [leadership development institute] that i'm looking forward to getting to know better in LA. the bus ride will be fun, hotel for two nights...it'll be good times.

and i'll be unplugged. so no more blogs or email for a few days.
wish i could bring my board.
but there won't be time to go out and play.

shoot me
won't be bringing my camera on the trip. i know it's lame, but i'm a purist and choose not to join the digital revolution in photography. i like using the old fashioned 35mm slr. what sucks is my camera is big and it's conspicuous, kind of hard these days to keep people honest.

are you sick?
it's only wednesday/thursday and people at work were asking me this...no, i'm just super tired. yikes, i guess work is taking its toll on me if i look exhausted all the time. mom says i just have to adjust to the different pressures of work. i was sitting on the train and asking myself why i was working a full time job (my first one ever) instead of playing in the sun [well rain for now]. but then i felt assured. i'm doing this now so that i won't ever have to do it again. i've promised myself i won't be sitting near a desk under fluorescent lights for 40 years letting corporations and expectations and societal standards suck the me out of me. phuck the Man.
and if any people at work might read this (i don't advertise my blog, but my blog does come up when you search for my name on google)
it's not that i don't like my job. everyone would rather be doing something else if they could. you're lying if you disagree.

[cubicle 20b]

>>i don't know if i've ever been really loved, by a hand that's touched me<< matchbox 20's "push"

excellent

[1269]

>>tired of feeling all around me animosity, just worry bout yours cuz i'm a get mine<< *nsync's pop

hey wait a minute
after taking a second look at my blog entries, i realize i should probably be listening to more grown up music...yeah i hear you saying, "no more of this pop crap, joan." Sorry, i don't have time to break through the stuff that mtv and co. barrage us with and buy quality music at rasputin or amoeba records.

and so it goes, i'm caught up with (first and foremost by force, not choice), my 40-hour internship, working out, and staying sane on the weekends by chilling with friends, chilling with myself, and letting my skateboard beat my ass--i'm still learning...but just you wait. okay, it doesn't beat my ass all the time, *ahem*, this isn't sounding any better with explanation.

so in any case, i'm not willing to give up the gym, or my board, or my downtime, so when the heck do i find time to take pictures?
question of the day.
make time damn it. no sleep from now on.

[1269]

>>i never thought i'd die alone; i laughed the loudest, who'd've known?<< blink's "adam's song"

not the jackpot
i bought 2 quick picks at a liquor store off of market in the city. *sigh* i checked the newspaper today and found that, alas, joan has yet to become a big baller, shot caller.
I wonder if the hispanic guy in front of me won--he bought $20 worth of plays. Geez, what could someone do with $140 million dollars anyway? imagine all of the hershey's bars you could buy. damn, speaking of which. I just read an article about slavery in the cocoa bean business on Africa's Ivory Coast. son of a bitch. millions of rich americans and europeans spend 75 cents to a dollar for a quick hit of gluttony while a slave trader pays $33 for a kidnapped Malian whose only compensation for labor is corn paste and a beating. one of the slaves was quoted saying "I don't know what chocolate is."
jackpot.

san francisco
i spend five days working in the city, but last night i went there just for fun. i went to the big sfsc and laura introduced me to this yum yum burrito place called "rubio's."
soo good ;o)

while there laura and i bought lottery tickets and joked about what we'd do with $60 million (that's what taxes do to $140 m). laura said she'd buy me the $80 pants i was eyeing at jcrew. i told her i'd give her a stick of gum...and a smile. hehe.

oh yeah, we played around at the airtight garage at the meeetreon and took a picture at the sony store.
we weren't soo satisfied with our picture but an abercrombie clan of girls were eagerly waiting for us to finish. blech
i wonder if people think they look like the models in catalogues from which they order their already used looking clothing--ahhh, the wonders of marketing. okay, i'm not giving them a chance, maybe they're really wonderful people. but they were being kind of pushy.

after school
i recently drew a ton of inspiration from a website i found at random. phatz.com
it made me believe that i could avoid being in corporate america for the rest of my life and travel the world instead.
i think i could really be happy living day to day, but that is definitely easier to say from a standpoint that doesn't require me to live that way. i've come to the conclusion that there simply is no way to live the ideal life. I remember what it was like not having anything at all to do before i started my internship. I was so bored and i didn't take the initiative to go read books or learn something new. i'm suddenly eager to be a photographer who's travelled the world--ironically enough, the dreams come around now that i've got no time at all to even begin to try to live it.

just as in previous years, i've been reluctant to get into photo because it might put my grades at risk...but here's the fork in the road. Knowing that i can't have everything i want all at the same time, do i have the guts to let my grades drop a little for the sake of that ounce of individuality that the university is trying to rob from me?

>>alright baby come and pass my way, i gotta find someone to call my lover<< janet jackson's "someone to call my lover"

friday
freedom

inroads
i've got a leadership conference thing tomorrow morning. yum yum. i get to fork over $150 in membership dues, but it's worth it. I got the most amazing internship ever; it stresses me out sometimes, but it's challenging and i love it.

inspired
the plan is to get back into photography with a vengeance and start shooting people--and skate when i'm not shooting.

beep-beep
i sat on bart feeling the urge to create. i imagined pictures i would take and poetry i could add to my blog. alas, however, my creative drive has waned. what happened? maybe the caffeine from palomino wore off?

i was ready to write thought provoking, emotional, ground breaking prose
to challenge myself, to understand myself better.
upon getting home, however, i went to the gym
indulged in my vanity
watered plants
skated
ate some pringles
and my muse vanished.
catching her is tomorrow's mission.

[saddlehill lane]

>>you tell me you're in love with me; that you can't take your pretty eyes away from me<< britney spears' "sometimes"

work
i find myself lost
in a flurry of deadlines, drone
no talking, no singing, no music, no me
know me.

work
caught up in a barrage of problems and painstaking solutions, i like my job. but I'm so busy making sure i can deliver for everyone that i forget to take care of joanie.
Am i making the best out of this summer? shouldn't i be sittin' on my bum for play and not for pay?

i wake up, sit in the car, sit on a train, sit at a desk, stare at a computer, sit on a train, sit in a car, workout, sit in a car, stare at my computer, sleep and start over again the next day.

friday is a saving grace.

[saddlehill lane]

>>i don't know where my heart is, i don't know where my soul is<< nelly furtado's "i'm like a bird"

stranger
whoa, it's been a while since my last post. I've made a conscious effort to avoid writing in here, though-- i chose laziness and none of my days have really been oh so eventful.

on second thought
oh yeah, i went to socal this past weekend. It was culture shock. I went into the situation with blinders on; my mind full of the stereotypes about everyone being acrylic. And of course, that's all i saw. I was really kind of disgusted by everyone's willingness to show off their money. Seeing five audis, 15 beamers, 7 lexuses, and a handful of porsches has to mean something. Then again, i only stayed for 2.5 days, and that's definitely not enough time for me to break a place in. Sometime, i'll stay there long enough to give fair judgment. I'm a bit regretful that i went to LA pretty much intent on disliking its congested highways, bling-bling culture, and cell phone toting citizens. I think if i'd left those biases behind, i'd have had more fun. Instead, however, i dealt with a strange and uncomfortable vibe that i'm not sure existed because i put it there or because LA really isn't for me (though i think that comment doesn't have much weight until i live down south for a bit). Nevertheless, i was very happy to be back in the bay area--content to be surrounded by grittier people.

good times
i met up with palmer, susu, laura, tris, jess & peter at starbuck's tonight. It was just what i wanted--relaxing and low key.
i think i'll even be able to sleep over at laura's this saturday. yay :o)

[saddlehill lane]

>>you and i, set free, like a feather, it will be<< nikka costa's "like a feather"

triumph
muahaha, i've made it to thursday evening. another week has passed. It's just hit me that i'm kind of looking forward to going to LA to see my sister. Lots o' sleeping and stopping by fast food restaurants. Wish i was into a book right now so i could read it during the trip.

at your service
my business cards came in today, how exciting is that?! yay...

[cubicle 20b, san francisco]

>>get down, get down<< lindsay's singing, there's not actually any music playing

at your service
i live and breathe by the clock and command of my office. Lately it's all i've been up to; the man owns me monday thru friday from 8a-5p.
That's why fridays are such beautiful days. Maybe that's why there's an F-R in friday--synonymous with the F-R in freedom (?).

speaking of which
Speaking of friday, tomorrow i'm going to drive down to LA with my relatives to attend my big sis' graduation from UCLA. This weekend will be fun, but tiring, and unfortunately, I have to take monday off--fewer benjies for joanie.

[saddlehill lane]

phew
aerobics was fun, but trissie didn't make it in time for class. Maybe this thursday? Class was challenging today because we were doing all these combos that i couldn't do, plus i was super duper sore from monday's squats. Well i'll be giving legs a rest anyway because it's all about arms tomorrow.

[saddlehill lane]
>>late at night when all the world is sleeping, i stay up and think of you.<< selena's "dreaming of you"

new machine
my compaq was hindering my productivity so much that CIO said it was okay for me to trade in my old machine for a Toshiba Tecra 8100 (whoopee!). Haha, well I'm glad it's a fancy dependable brand like Toshiba, but i'm just glad that i won't have to deal with crashes anymore.

RoxanAerobics
Today (hopefully) trissie and I will experience the wonders of RoxanAerobics together. I hope she enjoys the class cuz i find it highly rewarding.

[saddlehill lane]
>>i'll take your invitation, you take all of me<< lifehouse's "hanging by a moment"

spring semester grades
yay, i didn't fail! :o) After all the grief that i experienced, my gpa only dropped by 0.01 and i got an A- in my programming class (e77) yay!
sooo happy.

it doesn't hurt that badly
i always forget how difficult it is to climb stairs after doing squats, yikes.

[cubicle 20b, san francisco]
i really should bring a radio

busy bee
think i'll go make some tea.

[saddlehille lane]
>>when i get all steamed up, here me shout, tip me over and pour me out<< unknown's "i'm a little teapot"

5 6 7 8...
I went to rehearsal for likha for the first time in 2 years. I enjoyed it, but i don't really want to give up my sundays.

company
i slept over at nicole's on saturday night and i'd have to say that it was super-mega fun. Awesome conversations and i was able to resolve a lot of things that had been on my mind.

[saddlehill lane]
>>they can try hard to make me feel that I don't matter at all, but I refuse to falter in what I believe or lose faith in my dreams<< mariah carey's "can't take that away from me"

workie times >>serious now, fun later<<
today started off a little slow in every sense of the word. Bart was delayed and i swear i sat in the tunnel, not moving, for about 15 minutes. Even though i got on the 7:15am train, i didn't get to work until 8:30am *grr*. Work, however, was actually pretty productive. I figured out how to do a bunch of things that had puzzled me throughout the week and pulled together a little project during the last hour of the day. Quite clutch if i must say so myself. The day was finally over and i rode bart home with trissie. Riding public transit is soo much more enjoyable when with friends; otherwise, you exude this "don't look at me" ambience and pretend you and the train operator's voice on the loudspeaker are all that exist.

friday
today's been so busy i forgot to write in my blog, and after the much anticipated friday i spoke of in yesterday's entry, i've only got 10 minutes to revel in the wonders of my friday evening on paper.

There was supposed to be a sleepover here at my house tonight, but crazy disagreement amongst our schedules forced a drastic change in plans. Well, next time for sure.

Tonight was superb. I got home from work and went straight to the gym to spend an hour destressing. Work poses very different pressures. At school you have to perform because you want to get good grades, but at work, if you don't do well, people think you're stupid and you get fired and then you can't buy things you don't need or feed yourself. Working out makes me forget about everything that happened that day, all that matters is me and completing the next rep.

get my roll on
skating was very fun. I didn't get to do very much because there wasn't much daylight left after the gym, but the five minutes i was out on our sidewalk were excellent.
Tomorrow's agenda? Not completely sure, but that in itself is beautiful; for once i don't have to know what i'm going to do.

[cubicle 20B, san francisco]
no music again

home stretch
Thursday means i'm over the hump and i'm home free by the end of tomorrow, yay! I'm sipping my tea and i'm writing my blog here at work because I've hit a standstill and can't progress until things out of my hands go through. So, my boss tells me to surf the net for an hour or so until she finds something for me to do, excellent. :o)

you should never point your finger at crazy people
I saw "girl, interrupted" last night at pammy's house because i wanted to know why Angelina Jolie got an oscar. I thoroughly enjoyed the show and I'm very impressed by ms. jolie's performance; i loved her character.

oh so lively
I wasn't prepared to see my spare time disappear when i started working. Sure, 40 hour job, but school was a 32 hour week plus 10 hours a week at Todai and i still had time to bum around. The commute to and from SF on bart, however, really cuts down on fun times. I get home at 6:30pm and go straight to the gym then i've only got about 2-3 hours to shower, eat and get ready for the next day. Argh, no time allotted for skateboarding. I'm getting a lot better at it too, i mean, i'm not a pro and i don't intend to be, but i'm slowly losing my fear of it and i really want to kick ass so i can get around campus without being all scared of making an ass out of myself.

command
I have these plans, you see. Somehow i will live my dreams. I don't really care about money, experiences are more important to me, but ironically enough, i still need to go on the stupid paperchase so i can have the resources to live in europe and therefore date a beautiful italian model named Giovanni; it's all part of the plan, you see? hehe. In any case, i don't care for a wealthy lifestyle, i want a fulfilling and enriching lifestyle--I want to see the 7 wonders of the world (okay, no, i don't know what all 7 are, but i'd bet they'd kick a lot of ass), i want to go on a safari, i want to learn portuguese and italian and live in nyc's greenwich village and be a photographer.

Yes, i know the plan doesn't seem plausible, but lately my guiding principle is that one can do anything one sets his mind to. Yeah yeah, your response is most probably "How cheesy can you get?" I know it's something we've all heard before, but i believe in it whole heartedly. Besides, it doesn't hurt to try, and so far, trying new things has only benefitted me [except for the bruise from skating ;o) ]. At least i have that elusive blue light to reach for (a vague reference to a phrase in "the Great Gatsby"). Wouldn't it be terrible not to be able to dream?

[cubicle, san francisco]
no music, aww

weekend happy times
Before i talk about what i've been up to today, i think i'll do a quick recap on the weekend.
I went to aerobics (as mentioned on my saturday blog below) and then saw two movies. I saw Bridget Jones's Diary (for the second time) and Moulin Rouge. Both were good. I didn't like Bridget Jones's Diary the first time i saw it, but that's because i expected more of a notting hill type of film, which focused on the relationships more than the comic relief. The second time around, however, was much more enjoyable. Go see Moulin Rouge, great visuals, and the 1st hour makes the film worth $8.50 by itself.

today's adventure
Today has met much more progress than Friday. It turns out that the handbook I took time reading on Friday and this morning didn't help with what I want to do. I found this awesome online tutorial and so i've been working on that for the past couple hours.

oops have to go back to work (i'm on my lunch break). Will work on this later...

[saddlehill lane]
>>open fire, on my knees desire's what i need from you<< silverchair's "ana's song"

RoxanAerobics
I took my first aerobics class ever at the gym today. It was taught by this really awesome instructor [Roxana]. Most everyone was middle aged, in fact, i'm pretty sure i was the youngest one there. Nonetheless, i was really kind of uncomfortable because i'd never done this before and everyone else seemed really pumped and ready to sweat (especially in their "RoxanAerobics" tanks). By the end, though, it was super fun and i was whooping with everyone else. It'll be nice to take that yoga class tomorrow, but i'd have to get up at 7:30a for church to make it to the 10am class.